Long Distance Caring

Caring from a distance is a fact of life for thousands of people. Living at a distance from an aging parent or grandparent can make care provision a complex and difficult challenge. Also for those who are caring at a distance these challenges affect not only the personal activities for the carer, but their work, career, spouse and children.

We have asked some carers in Elmbridge about their situation and this was the result: 

• Average miles travelled each weekend, 50 = 2.5 hours on the road
• Nearly all were the only or primary carer
• Transportation, shopping, managing finances, cooking and cleaning were undertaken by these carers
• A whole day could be spent in managing services a week!
• All were working, either full or part time
• Work schedules have had to be altered or rearranged
• Most have taken unpaid leave to enable them to care
• Some had gone from full time to part time work
• Distance has been a factor when it comes to petrol costs and other expenses
• Some carers found it easier to pay for some sort of care for their relatives

Families tend to move themselves around the country these days, either in search of employment or to enjoy a different environment. We might not be living a great distance away from our parents or grandparents, but city congestion and snarled traffic can add unique and complicated challenges to what is already an often emotional and stressful job. Long distance carers are often required to miss work to see to their relatives care and to supervise paid care providers. More time is taken off to attend hospital appointments and speak to Care Managers who are managing their relatives care. NOTE: Caring from a distance does not exile you from asking for a Carer’s Assessment. 

In particular, consideration should be given to: 

• What is the relationship between distance and whether the carer is the primary carer?
• What effect does distance have on the carer’s work and work place?
• How does distance affect out-of-pocket expenses?
• Has caring affected the carer’s health?

As we mentioned earlier, most of the carers we spoke to were either working full or part time and all had been required to make significant adjustments to their work in order to accommodate their caring responsibilities. The most common problem they reported was going into work late or leaving early, missing days off work, rearranging their work schedule and taking unpaid leave. One carer lost 20 hours of work in just one month! 

Carers who live at a distance have an additional factor to weigh and manage when compared to carers who live near or with the person they care for. Time, a scarce resource for most carers, now becomes even more of a problem due to travel. Distance may also require carers to have high out-of-pocket expenses for both travel and purchases of needed goods and services to supplement the care of the person they care for. Distance may also complicate the carer’s ability to manage work and family. And, finally and most importantly to many carers, distance constrains their contact with an ill family member and limits the carer’s ability to interact with the person regularly. What could be more worrying than having a relative 60 miles away saying they need you to ‘pop over’. Emotional issues are more difficult as long distance carers face feelings of guilt because they are so far away from the person they love and care for.  

For information about flexible working for carers and the laws that support carers in employment, see the fact sheet titled ‘Working and Caring’ 

Quotes from Carers 

‘The most difficult thing about caring for someone at a distance is taking time away from my own home and things that need to be done. I’m exhausted after returning home from seeing to my mum’ 

‘It is hard to have an aged parent at a distance who needs care. I worry because he may not eat or have anyone to look out for him in an emergency. I have a family of my own and a mortgage. I have to work to pay the bills. Dad doesn’t realise how much strain I am under. There isn’t room for him here (not that he would consider moving), but I wish I lived nearer to him’ 

‘The guilt I feel because I am so far away is awful, but what can I do? I think if I moved mum into a residential home it would kill her’ 

‘The combined stress of caring for someone and the stress of possibly losing my job is becoming overwhelming’  

Recommended Reading  

Caring for Someone at a Distance by Julie Spencer-Cingoz 

‘At a distance’ could be as far away as another country or as close as an annexe to your own house, but whichever it is, here are lots of helpful tips and suggestions to make life less fraught. Chapters on decision-making, planning, minimising risks in the home, or checking (discreetly) if your relative is eating properly or taking the correct dosages of any medication, illustrated with ‘anecdote boxes’ quoting other peoples’ experiences, problems and solutions, all help you to keep a sense of perspective.  

There’s also a section on looking after yourself and not becoming stressed or exhausted (and what to do if you do), while maintaining your responsibilities as a carer. 

This is a very useful book packed full of sensible advice, and it gives a sense of not being alone with your problems: many carers are quoted and their honesty is refreshing and reassuring. This is definitely a must-have if you are at the beginning of the caring process. It is down-to-earth, practical, comprehensive, informative and supportive. It is in paper back and costs £1.38 from Age Concern, England (2003 edition). 

Last Updated  June 2007